Thursday, August 13, 2009

TMI Thursday - Look Ma! I'm a natural!

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for LiLu's TMI Thursday!

TMI Thursday


Even I can't believe I just titled a post about my first blowjob that way.

As you may or may not have read in the past, I led kind of a sheltered childhood. I didn't even really know about sex until I was...maybe 15? And I remember the first time someone said something about giving a blowjob, I thought it was something you do to your tires or something.

This is what happens when you're raised Southern Baptist.

Now I'm a whore who has threesomes and sex with strangers (okay, I don't really have sex with strangers).

(Except that one time.)

(I'm kidding.)

(Maybe.)

I think I'll actually tell you the blowjob story now. If you're ready.

At the end of high school, I dated this guy my mom hated (Oh how that rhymes!). A lot. Mostly I dated him because my mom hated him. Oh, right, he was the one with the nudist parents. And the belly button piercing. He looked like this:



By the time we started dating, I had already at least messed around with other boys. My most-of-high-school boyfriend No Rhythm (seriously, I wish I had video of him dancing. HILARIOUS.) and I had done some stuff. Mostly above the waist business. Although this one time I sat in his lap moved around a little and...well, let's just say we made a wet spot. I was confused.

Soccer Player and I had um...done some below the waist stuff, but mostly to me. That sounds weird. But I was kind of scared of the penis. It looks weird and it smells funny (Kidding!) and I had no idea what to do with it. He convinced me that it would feel good if he put his tongue on my girly bits. He was kinda wrong. What? HE HAD BRACES. Ouch.

When Nudist Parents came around, I was still pretty green. He was patient because I was cute and young and willing to learn. So we made out and did other stuff, and one afternoon he said, "So um have you ever um given anyone a blowjob?"

A WHAT?

I'm so not working on your tires, buddy.

Kidding, I totally knew what it was by then.

(Sort of.)

I said no and that I didn't really want to because I wouldn't be good at it and I didn't really know how and did he want me to because okay. Basically.

He said, and this is really charming (write this one down, dudes), "It's not like you're going to be good at it. You probably won't even make me cum."

I WAS YOUNG, okay? I sort of put my head down and said, "But I don't wanna be bad at it. I wanna make you come!"

(Come where, I didn't know. Note the change of spelling. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS REALLY MEANT.)

Yeah, he really set me up for that one. Also, I think he was probably under the impression that I wouldn't be good at it and I might not make him cum, but so what? It would be good either way. Especially since it had been like two months and he had yet to stick his dick anywhere.

So I agreed to try it. First let me explain something. Nudist Parents? Had a REALLY BIG PENIS. Having never really seen one before, I didn't have anything to compare it to. I know what you're thinking, but I'm serious. I measured. TEN INCHES.

Which I was supposed to get in my mouth. Sigh.

I got into position and sort of tentatively licked it. In my head, I was thinking, "Oh my god oh my god, I can't even swallow Tylenol, how am I supposed to get this in my mouth? What do I do? HELP!"

But I sort of got into the idea and...found my groove.

About five minutes later, he made this sort of groaning sound. And this warm gooey stuff was in my mouth and I WAS FREAKING OUT. I jumped back, causing the um...jizz to spurt all over my face, up my nose, in my eye, and in my hair. (I'm pretty sure he couldn't have planned that better. Now that I've seen porn, I understand that men really like this sort of thing.)

I looked up at him, goo dripping from my eyelashes, and said, "WHAT HAPPENED?"

He said, "Huh. Turns out, you're a natural."

I said, "You so have to buy me a coke if you want me to do that again." (You know, so I could drink the coke to get rid of the...taste.)

And so, pretty much everywhere we went, he would buy me a coke, I would give him a blowjob (Yes, I do mean everywhere). Seems like a fair deal, right?

11 comments:

  1. I'm stopping off at the store on the way home.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 10 inches? No thank you. I would have licked the tip and given up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. 10 inches? You're a trooper.

    And yeah, I'm a natural too.

    Isn't it fun?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your story made me laugh uncontrollably!

    It's always the repressed ones that are best at it. I'm a natural too, and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 19! Apparently, it's good enough to be the stuff of legends. My ex, Trevor, was on his fire department and after we broke up, I suddenly had all of his fellow co-workers calling me up for "dates." Uh huh.. rightttt. Someone was talking about how good it was.

    Check out my blog (complete with scandalous stories at http://confessionsofacocktailnapkin.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm just sitting here laughing about the fact that you got an unintentional facial the first time.

    As to being a natural, it really is the innocent ones who are the naturals. I was with a 26 year old virgin at one point, and she could do things with her tongue that nobody before or since could.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That is hilarious! And yes, that is a really good deal. I make my husband do household chores in return for bj's LOL

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was told I was a natural, too. However, my first dick was a stubby Jewish one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You proved him wrong, didn't you?

    Eff that. I didn't start suckin 'em until I was in my early twenties. I thought they were gross. In the words of Lil' Kim:

    "...I used to be scared of the dick/now I throw lips to the shit..."

    ReplyDelete
  9. Awesome! Your Ma will be proud. Kidding!

    ReplyDelete